Scotland – Spring-2012

Three weeks from today almost all of us, (with the exception of Shannon and Jamie, who have decided to stay for at least a month longer) will be saying good-bye to Findhorn for a while. It’s hard to believe how fast the time has gone by, and it’s even harder to believe that in three weeks I will be hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away from the 12 women with whom I’ve shared such a profound journey of self-discovery with for the past three months.

I’m stricken by the thought that everyone in the world should spend a few months in a community like Findhorn. Emotionally, mentally, and physically it’s been a roller coaster of highs and lows, and it has transformed me. I feel like I have been reborn a more compassionate, trusting, sincere, heart-felt, adventurous, graceful, inspired person, down to the deepest center of my being.

A semester at Findhorn is much less an academic study experience than a journey of self-discovery. One of the greatest lessons I will take from this experience, is how important personal sustainability is in the broader scheme of ‘the human challenge of sustainability’. In an effort to effect positive change in the world and adjust our human lifestyles to be long-lasting and better for all species, the true meaning of the word ‘sustainability’ has been forgotten, and its application to emotions and mentality have been under-appreciated. We can’t effectively fight for compassion and freedom of creativity for all species, unless we know how to fight for our own individual creativity and self-compassion. We can’t know how to love others unless we know how to love ourselves.

This idea of self-love does not excuse selfishness and it does not promote separation from the whole of humanity, in fact, it does the opposite. It has the potential to remind us that we are each integral parts of the function of the whole, and that there has to be love on all levels in order for love to prevail.

I am so grateful to the Findhorn community for helping me to let my personal power out, and I am especially grateful to the twelve women who have journeyed with me.
“Do not show men the real value of their world, but teach them to fathom it for themselves.” – Yoga Swami Svatmarama’s ‘Hatha Yoga Pradipika

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It is hard to believe that it is already May! Although we are busy as crunch time is kicking in with the end of the semester approaching, we have also been doing lots of celebrating! Last Sunday following brunch was the raising of the maypole for May Day. The maypole was carried from the community center to the green followed by a procession, along with music and dancing. Daisy chains, big smiles, and bright colors were in full as the celebration continued through the afternoon under the beaming sun. Thank you Scotland for holding off on the rain!

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Erraid, a wondrous island of rock where we took a motorboat to reach the island, and a week later at low tide we simply walked off of the island onto the sand banks connecting us to the opposite shore. How do I even begin to describe an island, where the fifteen members of our group tripled the current population of the island? Or an island that is 1 square mile of glorious green covered rocks, filled with sheep roaming the hills? I simply cannot do this island justice through my words.
We arrived on Erraid on a breezy Saturday afternoon, where we were greeted with hugs from Julia (mother of four year old Jack and two year old Libby as well as wife of Steve) and guided up the rock filled path to a low row of stone buildings. A stone fence surrounded the garden with seven or eight different fields to our left, with fence gates all throughout the compound to keep the sheep from wondering in and eating the vegetables.
I was guided to the green door, stone house number 3, where I would spend the next week with Jenny and Kate as well as one of our focalisers, Melinda.
House number three was equipped with a large, black wood stove in the living room, three bedrooms filled with large windows, a small cozy kitchen, and a bathroom with just a shower, sink, and bathtub. Kate and I scrambled a bit to figure out where our toilet could be, but of course we would soon get used to leaving our shoes by the kitchen door and running outside to the compost toilet in our backyard, at all hours of the day or night. Our tap water ran filled with peat and some alleged sheep pee, which did not stop Lizzy and I was sharing a peat bath one evening to “clean” ourselves from four days prior without a shower.
Monday and Tuesday mornings were workdays, where we worked either in the morning or afternoon shifts. Thursday morning was group project day, working the garden. The jobs consisted of digging up last year’s potato plants in two different fields, constructing a fence for the peas to grow up, and planting some pea seeds. The group worked efficiently as we were proudly able to see our progress after simply a morning shift of work.
Erriad functioned on a bell system. A bell for the morning meeting, a bell for tea break, a bell for lunch time filled with soup, greens, and homemade bread, a bell for meditation, and a bell for supper. Life became simple; we never needed to know the time, as it was never a concern. Evenings were spent curled up in the living room, surrounding the wood-burning stove, with a cup of tea. Most nights we slept in the living room of house number 3, snuggling and sharing life stories. Sharing a common space with three other incredible women was much more exciting than having three different bedrooms to reside to each evening, separate from one another. Living in community has taught me to appreciate and love company.

The sanctuary was located on top of a hill, out looking the sea. Here is where I felt incredibly taken aback by nature’s simply beauty. I would find myself meditating almost everyday in this beautiful wooden chamber, seated on a chair and wrapped in a blanket. My eyes would always find a way to open up and gaze out at the blue Atlantic Ocean, a sea I realized I had forgotten being so close to the North Sea in Findhorn.
The group was able to explore the island, first through a guided hike to visit the seals as they sun-bathed on a lazy, sunny afternoon, followed by a beach to visit the cold, clear, blue ocean. A few brave young ladies, myself included, threw off our clothing and self-doubts and waded into the water to feel its numbness and clarity touch our pale skin. Liberation hung in the air as the six of us turned into mermaids of the blue open-sea, with smiles on our faces filled with laughter and excitement.

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Wow, I can’t believe my semester at Findhorn is more than halfway over! It all went by so fast, and yet I feel like I have learned and experienced SO much. We have been here for almost 9 weeks and have all grown so much together. It’s amazing to think that at one point we never even knew each other.. those early days of getting to know each other seem so foreign and almost imaginary. Our group has truly become a family, and it’s hard to imagine that we will be parting ways in just 5 more weeks. It’s bitter sweet, really, but I think we can all agree that these past weeks have been some of the best of our lives and we will always remember what we have experienced here together. Bring on the the rest of the program! I’m sure there are many more advantures in store and all the more opportunities to learn and to grow–both as individuals and as a group

Cheers to a fabulous group of woman and the lively, thriving, community in which we were given this opportunity to learn!

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As we draw to a close in our 7th week here in Scotland, I find myself giddy with excitement to spend our 8th week in Erraid. It is so funny for me to think about the amount of time I have spent here in Scotland so far. It feels so short, only 7 weeks, but then I think back to that day my plane touched down in Aberdeen and I rode the train for two hours to make it to my final destination, the Park. It feels like ages ago. I spent the whole two hours on the train staring out the window, mesmerized by the beautiful, yet foreign scenery laid out in front of me. I was running off of no sleep in the past 28 hours, but I was strangely wide awake, the beginning of my crazy three month adventure here was just beginning, the anticipation was finally over, I was really here!!

In the past 7 weeks, I have spent a lot of time inside and outside of class thinking about my connection to my education, and how I feel that I have lost it since high school. Formalized learning structures stopped working for me a long time ago when I realized I am just a naturally antsy person who focuses best when I am deeply passionate and engaged with what I am doing, and that often means experiential, outdoor learning where I can get my hands dirty and my body moving. I have also been constrained by the notion that learning can only take place within the formal classroom structure, but my mind was opened, and I was told early on in my stay here that learning is always happening, whether we pick up on it or not, and learning will never stop. I feel connected again, I feel a lot of things again.

At the beginning of the term, our Art class had us divide into small groups of students, I was in a group with three other girls, and our goal was to create a project that focused on collaboration between us as we developed the project, as well as collaboration with the community to invite them to get involved in our project, or just reach out to them in some way. My group decided to hold an outdoor “Moon Dance” in the forest by the community bonfire pit on the evening of Easter Sunday. It was a crazy experience working so closely with three other people as we coordinated details for setting up the project, I think we all underestimated the sheer amount of people that get involved when reaching out to organize within a tight nit community like Findhorn. Two days before the event, I found myself running through the woods like a little gnome as I frantically searched for wood to burn for our bonfire, since a source of wood for the bonfire was a detail that had slipped all of our minds throughout the initial stages of the project. In the end, everything just fell into place for us though, and the Moon Dance was a great time for us all. We painted our faces in tribal war paint as we danced around the fire to specially chosen music to help guide our moods and emotions through the night. I felt connected to everyone that danced around me, and I felt connected to the earth under my feet.

Jennie Rose laying down a beat before the dance starts

Painting faces to get ready for dancing!

We also participated in a Red Tent Ceremony in celebration of our womanhood, and I do not even know the words to describe the goings on of this sacred circle, nor do I feel that I want to say that much. The power of womanhood is something I have always felt around me, but I have never tapped into it until now, and I feel more empowered now than I ever have before. As women, we have a sacred connection to the earth that we often forget about, so we spent ten minutes with our bodies face down in the moist grass trying to bring back that connection. I felt it immediately, and I shoved my nose into the the dirt, taking in the smell of how pure the earth is. We all come from this earth, and when we die, we go back to it to complete the great cycle of  life. On a walk on the farm where the Red Tent Ceremony was taking place, I ventured past a field of sheep and happened to see a sheep give birth to two tiny lambs. I stood there for thirty minutes, watching her licking them clean, and then as they took their first steps as brand new beings on this earth. I have never treasured life more than in that moment.

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This week, as with all of the weeks thus far, passed by in the blink of an eye. It’s hard to believe that we’re practically mid-semester. Part of me feels like I just arrived at Findhorn a few weeks ago, but another part of me feels like I’ve been living here for years.

One of the highlights for me this week was Lisa’s Art class. We made masks using our faces as molds. Eventually, we’ll be able to use these masks to speak as animals, plants, and elements in nature. I’m looking forward to the final products.

Making the mask molds in class.

This week we also had the privilege of having Gill teach our Group Dynamics course; we went on a walking tour of architecture the Park in Applied Sustainability; we had a “forum”-style sharing in Community Life; and we had a lovely Worldviews and Consciousness class with Melissa.

I didn’t personally participate in any of the “Into Christ Consciousness” events, but the conference has certainly had an impact on the community. Meals have been considerably crowded and I’m looking forward to having the CC back to ourselves at dinnertime. It’s interesting to think how the coming and going of people is a fairly normal part of living in community.

This Sunday some students put on a “Moon Dance” as part of our Art of Collaboration project. We painted faces and danced out under the stars. It was a lovely time for all!

Face paint!

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Sorry my post for the first month is a bit late. We were technically in the Orkney’s when we had all officially been on the program for 1 month. Well it’s hard to explain exactly what has happened these past 4 weeks. It has been full of ups and downs; some of us have had more ups then downs and others have had more downs then ups. I’ve been in the more downs then ups category, but I’m constantly trying to adjust to this program and I am just chugging along, hoping for the best. I’ve had barely any trouble adjusting to Scotland, but Findhorn is not really Scotland. There are people representing so many different countries; most prominently US, UK, Australia, South Africa, Germany and Spain. There are also people from Portugal, Poland, Czech Republic, Brazil, Canada, Belgium, Finland, Sweden, France and all over the place. It’s amazing how many people this ecovillage has attracted. There is quite a large spiritual and emotional sustainability emphasis in our course and that is something I have really struggled with. I’m not used to working on these processes in groups, I’ve always addressed them on a more individual level, so it’s a little frustrating at times having to share my emotions to a fairly large group. However, we have an awesome FCS (Findhorn College Semester) group of 13 lovely ladies from all over the States. They’re a great group to be sharing this experience with and I think we’re all learning a lot about and from each other.  Our classes have also picked up quite a bit and I feel like we have a lot of big projects coming up and that I still have a lot of work to do.  It will interesting to see what the next 2 months bring.

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I came to Scotland in 2007 when I was 20 years old, as a student in the Findhorn Community Semester (FCS).  I was fighting anxiety and a healing my stomach, that had unlearned how to digest after a bought of parasites.  Most of my childhood and adolescents I’d spent in my head, floating through a dream world punctuated with moments of grounding.  Just before I came to Findhorn I’d spent 3 months living at a yoga retreat center relearning how to inhabit my body.  During FCS that learning cemented itself into my heart. Somewhere between sharing my full life story with strangers and being encouraged to dance with the abandon I’d had as a knot haired child, I arrived in my body once more.

Me on the top of Aurthr's Seat in Edinburgh

Chaos, what I had most feared became my greatest advocate.  As a 20 year old I needed to dance, the open expanse of the shoreline, and a circle of challenging and fully alive humans on a similar journey.  In the group process I hid, and scribbled half digested emotions into my journal.  I wasn’t fully aware of myself then, but I was learning.  After FCS I went back to the states and finished my degree, fell in love, and made myself a home.  And still my heart wanted to be in the dunes.

I came back to Findhorn last May, with an aim to more fully experience the community.  I felt that Findhorn was a being whose gaze was averted, I wanted to fully look into her eyes.  As I transversed the various programs which allow one the rank to stay longer, and finally returned home for my visa, I saw that it was I who had not been comfortable holding the gaze of another. After six months in Cullerne Garden, Findhorn and I had made some serious eye contact.

Friday Night Dinner: Salmon for 100

At the moment I am on LEAP, Living Experiential Apprenticeship Program, which is the staff intake program and a way to be here longer.  My home is Cluny and its heart is the kitchen, where I’m currently being trained to make meals for over a hundred people.  Last week the stove initiated me as steam rushed out and scaled my arm.  This injury prompted all of the other people in the kitchen to lift their sleeves and turn their palms to point to scars and scabs on wrists and fingers.  We’re all veterans now.

The kitchen allows me a flexible schedule so I can spend time working with FCS.  Over last summer I had several conversations with Melissa where we explored ideas of how to improve the program.  Excitement welled up in my core each time we spoke, and eventually was molded into a role.  I currently do writing to explain FCS to prospective students, as well as to streamline various documents needed to administer academics and mentoring.  Another side of my involvement is as Student Representative. My aim is to encourage the students to interact fully with the community, the push their edges and get out of their lovely and tight knit sisterhood once in a while.  I want them to engage with Findhorn in the way I felt I had missed.  Naturally more of an introvert, I’ve had to train myself to interact with humans full on, all the time in community.

The Students at the Clava Cairns

I can already see the extroverts in the group pushing out into the wider circle that makes up the community, and I want to get the more naturally quiet ones to go with them.  Be it Scottish dancing or a workshop on spirituality and sexuality, I’m always so thrilled to see the ladies in FCS showing up and trying new things.

Women from my FCS in Longmeadow, 2007

At the moment they’re off in Edinburgh. I had to give a few of them the run down on how to pronounce it as to not come off as totally and obliviously American.  Their absence can be felt, it’s quieter and less giddy down park side.  Next weekend I’ll go with them to the Orkney islands in northern Scotland.  I’m thrilled to have the opportunity, as this is the inaugural trip for FCS and I’ve never been there.

Me in the Gorse, my favorite Scottish plant.

I spent so much time craving this land that every day moments of gratitude glow in my belly.  Here I am, living my dream, taking the burns and the process as initiatory rights.  Last night some friends made a bonfire in the garden.  We set alight the ends of some willow branches and twirled in the dark.  Outlined by fire, and the woosh of the branch, I felt I was holding a witch’s wand.  A friend spun the ember around him so quickly it looked like Tinkerbell was tracing his aura.  I’m not sure how long I’ll be here, or in what capacity, but I know that I am home.

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After a bit of finding my way I have managed to put this up!
Smiles.

13 young American woman arrived in the Findhorn Community with as many expectations as nerves, but after registration and a Survival tour of the park they where safely ensconced in their bungalows before the first get together.

It was a pleasure for me to see how perfect strangers quickly bonded with the progression of days. Circle dancing on the 3rd day brought laughter and fun into the group as Hanna, a long-standing community member and Sacred Dance teacher, took us through the steps and the students found their feet. The afternoon saw them choosing angel cards, blessings they will carry with them all Semester, and attuning to the LES (Living Education System) departments left them excited with anticipation for the next day. Group Discovery games opened the biggest door to a closeness most expressed they had never experienced beyond family before, and I was touched to feel the love in the group.
On the 5th day we headed out to the Findhorn River to connect with nature and give the students some time to contemplate their purpose for being here. It is a deep question, which brought deep answers to the first sharing of the Semester that evening. After the second LES session it was declared by most that they are the best part of the course, which doesn’t surprise me, as they are a fun way to put Love into Action.
Mari Hollander a Findhorn Collage representative presented a history of the Findhorn Community on the Friday, before the students abandoned and delighted themselves in 5 Rhythms dance that evening.
The next morning we all got our hands dirty in the Group Project garden and again in the afternoon with glue and colour making collages of an intention for the Semester, being able to hold them up at the end and speak the intentions out loud helped to make them real and will allows the students to support each other over the next 13 weeks.
The week ended with a Health & Safety chat with Martin, the Findhorn Communities Health & Safety manager, before Melissa and Majk from the collage answered any questions about the upcoming Semester. That evening we celebrated with a delicious Friday night dinner which Hillary and Branyn helped make, including dessert; and I can’t forget the liberty gained and laughter shared by the doling out of bicycles on Saturday morning!

HERE’S TO AN ADVENTURES SEMESTER AHEAD!

HO!

Melinda – FCS Program co-focaliser.

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It’s now been two full weeks since I’ve been here at Findhorn, it’s been a roller coaster of ups and downs, going from universe-expanding natural highs, which can only be companioned by crushing lows of homesickness. Last week everything was shiny and new, and now it’s starting to sink in just how long this journey is going to be, and how far I have come already. This week of Academic Induction has sped by, as I know the weeks will continue to do. I am discovering so much about my own processes in the way I function with others, and within myself. I am trying to settle into a slower lifestyle than I’m used to at RISD, and I am discovering how I meditate. The week was kicked off by another session of 5 Rhythms dancing, my new favorite form of physical and spiritual exercise. Everything has been such a blur, we were introduced to our teachers, and had our first class meetings for World Views and Consciousness, Exploring Self & Community Through the Arts, and Applied Sustainability. The first week of a new semester is always overwhelming, with syllabi being handed out right and left. I find myself being extra intimidated by the prospect of these classes, because the kind of work is going to be so different from what I’m used to. It’s hard to gage how much work things will be compared to the projects I do at RISD. All of my teachers seem wonderful, and really inspiring. I am excited to delve deeper into the subjects we’re studying, and I am sure my teachers will be open to me tweaking some assignments into more creative interpretations…

Yesterday was International Womyn’s Day, and not only that, but the full moon. I think it was tweaking out our group of thirteen women, all of us were going through major emotional twists and turns, after a long day of classes we got out of town and went to the Kimberly Inn in Findhorn for dinner. I am becoming so close to everyone, and am feeling so comfortable and at home with all of my new friends here, as if I have always known them. After dinner we walked home past the beach, which looked so reminiscent of the shores of the Northwest I got super nostalgic. A group of us went to the hottub, and then Jamie, Kate and I walked the sandy gorse-lined path out to the dunes, where we climbed a giant hill of dirt, and stood and watched the moon. The dark silhouettes of the trees encircled us, the noise of the wind in their branches sounded like they were whispering good luck to us, joining in our dance. The clouds were swirling which made it look like the moon and stars were revolving around us, it was like we were standing on the belly-button of the earth, so tiny, yet giants. It was one of the most beautiful and profound moments of peace I have ever experienced, and of sisterhood. I shouted a poem into the wind, we whooped and held hands in an attunement, feeling the earth under our feet and the wind in our hair and the light of the moon on our closed eyelids. It was the moment I realized that I am meant to be here.

I sang this morning in with Taize in the Nature Sanctuary, and am happy to have a relaxed Friday to explore and reflect and maybe do some laundry… Tomorrow we drive into the Highlands, past Loch Ness for a hike in Caledonian Forest. I am taking every day as it comes, whether it’s a little bit of a lonely one, or a supremely beautiful one, or a little bit of both.

what it was like to be under the moon, march 8th, 2012

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